After exams

I decided to take a break from writing earlier this year, so that I could focus on my exams, with the idea that once they were over I would get back to do all the things I love to do. Be happy and free of stress. But after 14 years of education I am worn out. I’m exhausted, I’m so tired all the time. Its strange – it’s not like I’m doing anything, and yet I feel as though I’ve worked a hundred-hour week.

The aftermath of exams has left me extremely unmotivated, I don’t feel as though I want to do anything. Maybe it’s because all I focused on for so long was exams, that now I don’t know what to do without them, without having that structure.

Even though my exams finished over a month ago without them; I still feel lost, for the past few years I’ve had important exams at the end of every school year. And now I don’t even have school. I don’t know what to do. This is the time to discover who I really am or who I want to be, to learn what I truly enjoy, and yet, I don’t know how. For the first time in my life I can do pretty much whatever I want and I don’t know what to do with all that freedom.

The voice at the back of my mind that tells me I have to decide what to do with my life keeps popping up. And I don’t like it. Up until I was 16 I knew EXACTLY what I wanted to do with my life. And now? I genuinely don’t have a clue. There’s so many things that I could be interested in, that I could enjoy if I wanted to. But how do I choose? How do I know what’s right for me? Why the fuck do I have to decide now? Sometimes it feels like everyone but me has a plan.

I try not to think about the future in too much detail, as at this point even the word ‘future’ gives me a surge of anxiety. I try to take it one day at a time, focus on what I’m doing now. I don’t know what they future holds, trying to predict it is too exhausting.